Past, Present, Distance
by 2rats4writes
Summary: When Fish reveals a really important part of his past to Kyle, Kyle let's Fish know he will always be there. But when this part of his past starts to consume Fish more than ever before can Kyle help the man he loves before it's too late? *Story Complete*
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary: When Fish reveals a really important part of his past to Kyle, Kyle let's Fish know he will always be there. But when this part of his past starts to consume Fish more than ever before can Kyle help the man he loves before it's too late? **_

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Kyle was watching Fish eat his lunch, and noticed that his mind seemed to be a million miles away.

"Earth to Oliver." Said Kyle knocking Fish out of his trance "You okay babe?"

"What's the date?" asked Fish

"The 24TH. Why?" asked Kyle

"Do you have time for a drive?" asked Fish "It'll take a while, we won't be back until late tonight."

"Sure." Said Kyle

In the car Kyle wasn't sure where his boyfriend was taking him. They drove for about 2 hours before Fish parked the car in front of a cemetery.

"Oliver," said Kyle "what's going on?"

"I want you to meet someone." Said Fish

"Who's buried here?" asked Kyle knowing it was someone special to the man he loved.

"My son." Said Fish and Kyle just stared.

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_**Here's chapter 1: I know it's short but it will continue. Reviews are always appreciated.  
**_


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle just looked at Fish, who had nothing but hurt and sadness in his eyes. Kyle had so many questions, but at the moment he wasn't sure how far would be too far to pry into the revelation that not only had the man he loved had a child, but had lost that child.

"When? Who?" asked Kyle finally managed to asked after a few minutes.

"It was near the end of academy." Said Fish "I was dating this girl, we got pregnant. We had decided to keep the baby. But not marry, it was still pretty early on."

"Your parents must have loved that." Said Kyle

"Fire and brimstone," said Fish "but at least they still talked to me."

"Sorry." Said Kyle "Anyway continue."

"He was born 6 weeks premature." Said Fish as they got out of the car and started walking

"Oliver." Said Kyle just feeling the pain for the man he loved.

"He was alive, but weak." Said Fish as he stopped walking "They had him on a ventilator, but it wasn't enough, his heart was working overtime, he died within 5 hours."

"I am so sorry." said Kyle

"It would have been his birthday today." said Fish

"Oh Oliver." Said Kyle as Fish started walking again. Kyle then put a comforting hand into Fish's hand as they continued the walk that Fish knew so well.

After a few minutes of walking in silence, Fish stopped at a grave site that had a woman sitting in front of it, Kyle could only assume that was Fish's ex. Fish walked up and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Rikki." Said Fish as the woman looked up and stood up

"Hey." Said Rikki as the two hugged, then spotted Kyle "So is this-"

"Yeah." Said Fish "Kyle Lewis, Rikki Michaels."

"Nice to meet you." both Kyle and Rikki said as they shook hands.

"Sorry I'm late." Said Fish

"You haven't changed." Said Rikki

"Do you two need some time?" asked Kyle

"I want you to be here." Said Fish

"I'm going to go see mom." Said Rikki "I'll be right back."

"Okay." Said Fish as Rikki walked away "Her mom is buried a couple sites over."

"Ah." Said Kyle

"This is my son, Tyson Michael Fish." Said Fish sitting down on the ground "Hey buddy, I brought someone really important to me. Remember me telling you about Kyle, that's who I brought."

"He knows about me?" asked Kyle sitting down next to Fish

"When we ran into each other for the first time after college and everything just started happening." Said Fish "When I felt ready to implode I got in my car, drove the two hours here and told Ty everything. I could talk to him. Especially when I came out to my parents and you were with Nick, and I felt like my world was crashing down."

"Why didn't you say anything before?" asked Kyle

"Not many people know." Said Fish "My parents obviously. But Cris and Layla don't know. No one in Llanview does. It is just easier not to talk about it, but you have a right to know. I wasn't lying, I just-"

"Couldn't talk." Said Kyle as Fish dug out his wallet and pulled out a picture.

"I want to show you this." Said Fish handing the picture to Kyle

"A lot of daddy in him." Said Kyle looking at the picture of Fish holding a very tiny baby boy.

"He was a fighter." Said Fish "They told me and Rikki that they were surprised he lasted 5 hours."

"That is pretty good." Said Kyle, the med student shining through "You would have made an incredible father Oliver Fish."

"Thanks." Said Fish leaning onto Kyle's shoulder "Before you and I got back together, if I had a really bad day no matter the hour, I'd make the drive out here."

"Why?" asked Kyle

"I had nowhere else to go." Said Fish "No one to listen to me. I still do it sometimes, if you're pulling an all night shift at the hospital and I'm off."

"Hey," said Kyle "look at me, listen to me, are you listening?"

"I'm listening." Said Fish looking at Kyle

"I will always be here to listen." Said Kyle "All you have to do is be willing to talk to me."

"I know." Said Fish as Kyle kissed his forehead.

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_**That's chapter 2. Hopefully chapter 3 will make it up soon. As always Reviews are always appreciated.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Here's Chapter 3! I hope you enjoy. Reviews are always appreciated.

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**_

By the time Fish and Kyle left the cemetery, had dinner with Rikki, and walked into the hotel it was almost two o'clock in the morning.

"Thank you for coming with me today." Said Fish with a yawn

"Anytime." Said Kyle "Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?" asked Fish

"If you have a really bad day and are going to drive out there, call or text me first." Said Kyle

"Sure." Said Fish as they walked into Kyle's room

"So um-" started Kyle stopping not sure if he should continue with his question or not.

"Rikki and I remained close after losing Tyson." Said Fish knowing the question Kyle wanted to ask "I actually came out to her just after I came out to my parents. She and I had always been good friends while at the academy and when we started dating it almost seemed natural to people."

"Right." Said Kyle "So did you break up right after or-"

"We tried to date for a little while longer, but there was no way we could hold on to what we had without losing each other as friends." Said Fish "So we decided to end it."

"Oliver I am so sorry." Said Kyle "If there's anything."

"Right now I just want to go to bed next to the man I love." Said Fish

"I think that can be arranged." Said Kyle giving Fish a kiss.

The next morning Kyle woke to find Fish gone and in his place a note.

_Had to get to work, I'll see you for lunch. Love Oliver, XO_

Kyle smiled as he got ready for his own day at work.

At the hospital Kyle was finishing up a patient's chart when he got a text from Fish.

_In the cafeteria waiting for you. XO_

Kyle smiled and handed the chart to the nurse.

"Here you go." Said Kyle "I'll be in the cafeteria for lunch if I'm needed."

"Thanks Kyle." Said the nurse "enjoy your lunch."

"I sure will." Said Kyle

Kyle walked in the cafeteria to see Fish sitting at a table, he walked over to see that he was looking at the picture Fish had shown him the night before.

"You look at that a lot don't you?" asked Kyle sitting down across from Fish.

"Yeah I do." Said Fish "One of those 'What might have been' feeling. You know?"

"I know exactly what you mean." Said Kyle taking out his own wallet and handing a picture to Fish "I've been carrying this around since college."

"Oh my God." Said Fish "My hair."

"Your hair, look at my hair." Said Kyle

"You promised me that you would burn this picture." Said Fish looking at Kyle "Before I ended things with you."

"But you look so cute in the picture." said Kyle "I couldn't burn that gorgeous face."

"You look pretty damn cute in the picture yourself." said Fish "But what about after we were over in college, you didn't burn every picture of me?"

"I couldn't bring myself to do it." Said Kyle

"Why?" asked Fish

"It would have meant accepting that it was over," said Kyle "That there was no chance of us ever getting back together, keeping the memories kept my hope for us."

"You've had this in your wallet since college?" asked Fish

"Yeah." Said Kyle "Always in there, no matter what."

"Even when you were with Nick?" asked Fish with a smirk

"Good thing he never went through my wallet." Said Kyle with a smile, before reverted back to Fish's picture "I noticed you looking at it before you came to bed last night to."

"Yeah." Said Fish "I actually look at it every night."

"How come I've never noticed before?" asked Kyle

"I always waited until you were asleep." Said Fish "It wasn't to hide it or anything. I just wasn't ready to tell you yet. But then yesterday I didn't want to disappear until all hours of the night with no explanation which is why I figured I was ready to tell you."

"You don't have to reveal everything your feeling about this at this moment." Said Kyle "Just talk to me whenever you need to. I will always be here to listen."

"Thanks." Said Fish taking Kyle's hand but still off in the past, where for just 5 hours he was a father.

Kyle looked at Fish and realized exactly where his mind had wandered, and Kyle's head flooded with questions.

_'Am I the first person Oliver has really opened up to about this? Just how often does he make the two hour drive to the cemetery? Is it Oliver's way of escaping the real world?'_

Kyle shook himself out of his trance, he was just letting the doctor in him get the best of him. He looked across the table at the man of his dreams and smiled giving his hand a squeeze.

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_**There's chapter 3, I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are always appreciated. **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Here's Chapter 4, read, enjoy, review please!

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**_

It had been three weeks since Fish had told Kyle about his son, and everything seemed normal to Kyle so the thoughts he had had about Fish consuming himself with thoughts of his son were pushed to the back of his head until he was put on his pediatrics rotation.

The picture Fish had in his wallet flooded to the front of Kyle's mind when he was in the Natal ICU, watching parents sit with their sick newborns, praying for recovery, that they would be taking a healthy baby home. After checking vitals, Kyle walked out of the room and leaned against the wall, slightly exhausted.

"You okay man?" asked Schuyler as he walked by "I know the ICU can be a tough one."

"Man you have no idea." Said Kyle

"Um?" asked Schuyler clearly confused.

"I'm not sure I should get into it." Said Kyle

"Doctor-Patient?" asked Schuyler

"More like Boyfriend-Boyfriend." Said Kyle

"Problems with Fish?" asked Schuyler "Cause you two seemed pretty okay at Rodi's the other day."

"No things are great with Oliver." Said Kyle "Just some stuff, not a big deal."

"Okay." Said Schuyler leaving his fellow med student in peace.

When Kyle walked into the police station to pick Fish up for dinner, Brody rushed over.

"Kyle thank god you're here." Said Brody, a slight panic in his voice

"Is everything okay?" asked Kyle thinking of the worst

"We just arrested someone for murder." Said Brody "The victim was a 10 week old baby. It really got to Fish."

Kyle breathed a slight sigh of relief that Fish wasn't hurt physically. "Where is he?" asked Kyle looking around."

"He's in John's office, practically in the fetal position." said Brody "We tried calling you."

"My phone met the sink while I was at work today." Said Kyle "The sink won, he's in McBain's office?"

"Yeah." Said Brody motioning to the door that led into John's office.

"Fish what's up with you man?" asked John as Kyle walked in and saw Fish on the couch in John's office curled up into a ball shaking like mad.

"How long has he been like this?" asked Kyle

"Twenty minutes." Said John "I've never seen anything-"

"Can you give us a minute?" asked Kyle

"Take as long as you need." Said John walking out of the office

"Oliver." Said Kyle stroking Fish's hair "Hey honey."

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_**There's chapter 4...chapter 5 is a continuation.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5!!!!! Read and Enjoy, Reviews are always appreciated!!!

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**_

Fish sat up to the familiar feeling of Kyle stroking his hair.

"Hey." Said Fish

"Hey." Said Kyle sitting down next to Fish and bringing him in closely.

"Just a little baby that was ten weeks old," said Fish "his mom had, I can't even, it's too." Fish fell silent.

"It's okay you don't have to." Said Kyle as Fish leaned into him "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

"I've seen murders." Said Fish as tears started to fall "I've seen as bad as it can get and it never phases me this bad. Why is this hitting me so hard?"

"Not to sound like a shrink," said Kyle "but it may have something to do with the fact that you lost your child, you had no say in it happening, and this person just took hers away from the world without a second thought? Does that sound about right?"

"How are you so smart?" asked Fish

"I just know you." said Kyle placing a light comforting kiss on the top of Fish's head "Hey I'm going to get you some water I'll be right back."

"No don't." said Fish holding Kyle tightly as he had started to get up.

"Okay." Said Kyle "Then why don't we go back to my place, so you can get out of this uniform?"

"That sounds perfect." Said Fish as Kyle helped him up and out of the office.

As Fish was gathering his stuff to leave, John walked over to Kyle.

"Can you share what this little breakdown was about?" asked John

"Not now," said Kyle "if Oliver wants to talk to you guys about it, he will."

"Not to pry, or be to forward," said John "but Marty is always willing to see new patients, if it comes to that."

"Right now I think I can handle it." said Kyle "I have a feeling he'll be just fine in a couple of days, I have tomorrow and the day after off."

"Ready?" asked Fish walking over "See you tomorrow John."

"Fish, seems today really got to you for some reason." Said John who had taken the hint from Kyle "Take a couple days off and relax."

"I don't know." Said Fish

"I have the next two days off." Said Kyle "I could use the company."

"You don't have to study?" asked Fish

"You could always help me." said Kyle "It worked in college."

"I'll take the next couple of days off John." said Fish giving Kyle a smile.

"Remember Fish," said John "relax. Kyle make sure he relaxes."

"I will." Said Kyle as Fish put his arm around him and they walked out of the station.

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_**Yay!!! Two updates in one day!!! Chapter 6 hopefully will come soon....and just a forewarn. It will start getting intense in Chapter 6 (I hope) ~2rats**_


	6. Chapter 6

Fish collapsed onto the bed as soon as he and Kyle entered Kyle's place.

"Why did I become a cop?" asked Fish

"What would you have done instead?" asked Kyle as he removed his jacket and threw it onto the chair.

"Computer engineer." Said Fish sitting up and removing his own jacket

"Would you be as happy?" asked Kyle

"As long as I had you." said Fish pulling Kyle towards him

"As sweet as that is," said Kyle "that's not what I meant and you know that."

"I know." Said Fish "And no I wouldn't be as happy being a flat out computer engineer as I am being one of Llanview's finest, and their go-to computer geek."

"Exactly." Said Kyle "I know you're going to have shitty days at work, I will to. But you know what makes it all okay?"

"What?" asked Fish

"Having Llanview's sexiest computer geek to come home to." Said Kyle

"Well having Llanview's sexiest med student to come home to is pretty great to." Said Fish with a grin

"Don't think you're getting out of this so easily." Said Kyle looking at Oliver "What happened today?"

"I don't know." Said Fish "It was any other call about a possible murder. We didn't know the victim was only 10 weeks old, we got to the house and waiting for us was the father telling us everything his wife had did. I got through everything at the house just fine, Brody and I got back to the station and we were giving the lowdown to John and that's when I broke down. I just freaked out. I curled up in a ball. So much for the brave cop. I'm surprised they didn't call you."

"They did," said Kyle, "My phone met an untimely death with a sink today."

"Really, an untimely death?" asked Fish

"Yes untimely." Said Kyle "Don't change the subject."

"I'm not, you're the one who brought up the fact that your phone swam and sunk today." Said Fish

"Talk to me Oliver." Said Kyle.

"There's nothing to talk about." Said Fish

"Is there anything I can do for you?" asked Kyle

"Well we both have the next two days off from work." Said Fish pulling Kyle into a deep kiss, "I was given strict orders to relax, can you help me follow those orders?"

"I think so." Said Kyle as Fish started kissing Kyle's neck in a strategic distracting matter.

"Good," said Fish "because it's working."

"Consider it dropped for now." said Kyle with a moan before he began kissing Fish's neck just as strategically.

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_**Chapter 6 wasn't AS intense as I hoped. I really hope the drama is starting to shine through though.**_


	7. Chapter 7

That night Fish lied awake, while Kyle slept soundly beside him. There was so much that he should tell Kyle, but he couldn't. Not because he didn't want to, but it hurt too much to talk about. But Kyle is the love of his life, he should be able to tell him anything, even the shitty stuff. Fish also knew that Kyle wasn't pressing the issue as much as he wanted because he didn't want to push Fish away. Fish then looked over to make sure Kyle was asleep before slowing getting out of bed and going to look out the window.

Kyle slowly opened his eyes as he felt Fish get out of bed. He watched the silhouette of the man he loves walk to the window and looked out into the night. Kyle knew there was more to the story than Fish was telling him, but wasn't sure how much to press the issue. He knew Fish hadn't wanted to wake him up and decided to wait a minute before quietly crawling out of bed and walked up to Fish putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I didn't mean to wake you." said Fish not turning around.

"It's okay." Said Kyle "Is there anything I can do?"

"Just stand here with me for a little bit." Said Fish

"I can do that." Said Kyle leaning into Fish.

"Good." Said Fish wrapping his arms around Kyle and placing a kiss on his head before looking back at the moon, both men not stating what was keeping them awake, but they knew.

The next day, Fish and Kyle woke quietly in each others arms.

"Oliver?" said Kyle

"I'm awake." said Fish "What's up?"

"I don't mean to pry," said Kyle "call it the doctor inside me, but I really want to make sure that you're okay."

"Yeah." said Fish "I'm fine, I just need to relax. I probably just freaked because I've been working a lot. Now that I have today and tomorrow off I can just relax and destress with the man I love. Really I'm fine."

"Okay." said Kyle "but if you need to talk, I'm here."

"I know." said Fish "And I love you so much because of that."

"I love you to." said Kyle "I am kind of hungry, what do you say we go get a late breakfast."

"Already taken care of." said Fish as there was a knock on the door.

"Fish, dude here's your food." said Cristian "You're lucky you're a good friend. We normally don't deliver."

"Yeah I know." said Fish opening the door and giving the money to Cristian "And I really appreciate it."

"Well it's not often both you and Kyle have 2 days in a row off," said Cristian "I really don't mind."

"Thanks agian." said Fish and shaking Cristian's hand before closing the door. "I got breakfast delivered."

"I didn't realize the Buenos Dias delivered." said Kyle

"They usually don't," said Fish "but since I have connections."

"It's always helpful to have a boyfriend with connections." said Kyle pulling Fish into a kiss before they enjoyed breakfast together.

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_**So the drama is pretty much absent in this chapter. Sorry. Chapter 8 may not be up for a while, because I've been really busy and I've got a bit of writer's block. ~2rats.**_


	8. Chapter 8

Over the next couple of days Kyle noticed that Fish was becoming much more distant with him and not talking about much of anything. Finally one night Kyle decided he needed to pry.

"Are you sure you're okay?" asked Kyle

"Yeah, why?" asked Fish

"You just seem really distant lately." Said Kyle "You know you can talk to me about anything."

"Yeah I know." Said Fish putting his book down and looking at Kyle "I'm fine really"

"Oliver." Said Kyle knowing full well that Fish was lying

"I don't need to talk about it." Said Fish and Kyle looked at him "I've been dealing for years without talking to anyone about it and I'm fine."

"Babe if you were fine, I wouldn't have found you curled up in a ball in John McBain's office." Said Kyle

"What are you saying?" asked Fish

"Look Oliver," said Kyle "Have you thought maybe if you don't want to talk to me, possibly a therapist?"

"I'm fine." Said Fish giving Kyle a kiss before turning out the light, full well knowing that he was trying to convince himself more than Kyle that he was fine.

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**I know it's short, but it's all I got, I'm getting writer's block for this story so I don't know when I'll get Chapter 9 up. **


	9. Chapter 9

The next day Kyle woke to find Fish had already left for his first day back at work.

"I hope he knows what he's doing." Said Kyle to his reflection

At the station Fish stood in the men's restroom as he began his first day back at work.

"I hope I know what I'm doing." Said Fish to his reflection

"About what?" asked Brody walking out of a stall "I wasn't eavesdropping, but-"

"I thought I was alone." Said Fish "Brody if I tell you something, it has to be in the upmost of confidence. The only other person I've told about this is Kyle."

"Sure man of course." Said Brody

"It's about why I freaked out about that case." Said Fish "It was at the end of my time at the academy. I was still in denial about who I was, so I was dating this girl. We got pregnant –"

"You have a kid?" asked Brody

"Let me finish." Said Fish "He was born 6 weeks premature, and died within 5 hours of birth."

"Fish I am so sorry." Said Brody "Have you ever-"

"No," said Fish "I've not talked to anybody. I told Kyle because he has a right to know, I told you because you have a right to know why I freaked out on a case."

"I mean professionally." Said Brody

"No, Kyle suggested I do, but I'm fine I don't need a shrink." Said Fish

"But maybe you should talk to Jess." Said Brody "I mean she does know what it's like to lose a baby."

"Thanks, but I think I'll be just fine." Said Fish

"That's why you were talking to yourself in the mirror because Fish I know you're not that vain." Said Brody

"You'd be surprised how vain I could be." Said Fish trying to shove it off with a joke.

"Now that's sounding more like you," said Brody "come on let's get to work."

"All right." Said Fish walking out, not so sure what the day ahead would entail.

Meanwhile at the hospital Kyle was distracted on his surgical rotation and Greg noticed.

"Lewis." Said Greg "What's up with you today?"

"Just some personal stuff." Said Kyle

"You know you have my upmost confidence Lewis," said Greg "you may be on thin ice at med school, but you're smart. What's going on?"

"Oliver had a breakdown at work a few days ago." Said Kyle "Today's his first day back to work; I guess I'm just worried."

"Love will do that to you." said Greg

"I know that Oliver has to get through what caused the breakdown on his own," said Kyle "it's just so hard to stand back and not help, but then I don't know if I'm going too far and I don't want to screw anything up."

"Let me give you some advice," said Greg "all you can do is let Oliver know you're there for him, and when he wants to talk, listen, and if he doesn't, don't pry unless he's becoming destructive to himself."

"Thanks Dr. Evans." Said Kyle

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**So there it is finally!! Chapter 9! Thank you for being patient with me. Please read and review. thanks! ~2rats**


	10. Chapter 10

Fish was thinking about what Brody had said and when he was off for lunch he ran into Jessica, Brody's girlfriend at Rodi's.

"Hey Jessica." Said Fish

"Officer Fish," said Jessica "How are you?"

"Good, I was actually wondering if we could talk?" Said Fish

"Is Brody okay?" asked Jessica

"He's fine," said Fish "um, but he said you might be able to help me."

"What's up?" asked Jessica

"To make a long story short, before I came out, I was dating this girl, got her pregnant, my son was born 6 weeks premature and died." Said Fish

"So that's why you freaked out on the baby murder case." Said Jessica "Brody mentioned it to me."

"I told Brody this morning." Said Fish "Kyle's known for almost two months. I haven't talked about it, because I didn't think anyone would understand what I was feeling."

"So Brody suggested you talk to me?" asked Jessica "It's fine of course, but my recommendation is to talk to Marty. She doesn't judge, and she can be trusted."

"That's what Kyle suggested," said Fish "I just, I'm not sure I need professional help."

"How long has it been?" asked Jessica "Sometimes that's an indication of needed more help than you originally thought."

"A few years." Said Fish

"And you're freaking out on cases." Said Jessica "You need to talk to Marty, you can't get through this on your own, but anytime you want to talk to me you can."

"Thanks Jess." Said Fish

That evening Kyle was filling out some forms at the nurse's station when two hands covered both his eyes.

"Hey doc, got a free appointment?" Said Fish

"You should know I have a boyfriend," said Kyle "he's a cop."

"Very funny." Said Fish turning Kyle around to give him a kiss

"What do I owe this surprise?" asked Kyle "I still have another hour on my shift."

"I'm actually not here to see you." said Fish "Well I am, but first I have an appointment with Marty."

"I love you." said Kyle "But you need more than me to help you through this and I'm glad you're getting it."

"You should actually thank Brody and Jessica." Said Fish "I told Brody, who suggested I talk to Jess, who told me that therapy was probably the only way to get through this. And I love you to."

"Find me when you're done." Said Kyle "I'll treat you to dinner."

"Really your treat?" asked Fish

"Yeah." Said Kyle "A nice dinner out, then I figured we could have desert in."

"I like the sound that." Said Fish "I'll be done in an hour."

"What a coincidence." Said Kyle giving Fish a kiss "So am I."

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**So here it is Chapter 10. This story is ending up a little differently than I thought. Chapter 11 may be a while because I want to get Fish's session with Marty just right. But hopefully by the end of next week I'll have something posted. Reviews always appreciated!! ~2rats**


	11. Chapter 11

**So here it is Chapter 11, Fish's session with Marty. I hope I did it justice, it took a while because I really wanted to get it right, and I hope I did. It is longer than the other chapters. Please read and review. Enjoy.

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**

Fish knocked on the door to Marty's office, and heard a soft "Come in."

"Marty, thank you for seeing me on such short notice." Said Fish walking in

"You said you really needed to talk," said Marty "of course."

"Last week I freaked out badly on a case." Said Fish

"How bad is badly?" asked Marty

"I ended up curled into a ball in John's office." Said Fish

"Okay." Said Marty "What case was it?"

"The mother who killed her baby." Said Fish

"Do you have any idea why you freaked out?" asked Marty

"My son." Said Fish

"You have a child?" asked Marty

"Had." Said Fish "Back when I was still in the closet, it was near the end of my time at the Police Academy, we had gotten pregnant, but Rikki went into labor 6 weeks early. Our son died within 5 hours."

"Did you ever talk to anyone after the event?" asked Marty

"Professionally, you're the first I've talked to." Said Fish "Rikki and I would talk in the first few months, we've remained friends, but we don't see each other that often. Only the one time a year we both go to his grave. I talked to her a little bit after I came out."

"Have you talked to Kyle about this?" asked Marty

"He's known for a couple of months. He's my partner, the man I love, he deserves to know. He's been hinting that I should talk to you since I told him." Said Fish "But I brushed it off, then I ended up curled up in a ball in John's office. Even after that I was still saying I was fine."

"What made you decide to come see me?" asked Marty "It couldn't have just been Kyle's subtle hints?"

"It wasn't." said Fish "Earlier today I told Brody, as my partner on the force he also had a right to know. He suggested I talk to you, but if not you I at least maybe to talk to Jessica. I ran into her at Rodi's today while I was getting lunch and talked to her. She told me I should talk to you. Why would I have brushed it off when Kyle told me to come talk to you?"

"Because he doesn't quite understand what you're going through, and you probably think he's going into Doctor mode when he suggests it." Said Marty

"A little bit." Said Fish "But, I, never mind."

"Everything is confidential." Said Marty

"Sometimes, I think it's my fault that Tyson died." Said Fish

"What do you mean?" asked Marty

"After college, especially while I was in the Academy," said Fish "I was trying to prove to the world, well myself more than the world I guess, that I was straight."

"And you're thinking that if you had come out before the academy, you and Rikki never would have dated." Said Marty

"Well yeah." Said Fish "I mean, I would have been with Kyle. If I hadn't been such a coward, I wouldn't have broken up with Kyle."

"But what if you and Rikki hadn't lost Tyson?" asked Marty

"I don't know." Said Fish "I mean, yeah I probably would have eventually come out."

"A lot of this seems to go back to when you were still in the closet, and your relationship with Kyle in college." Said Marty "If you don't mind me asking, do you want to talk a little bit about growing up?"

"Well you met my father." Said Fish "Growing up, his word was law, I was able to suppress who I really was in high school because no guy really caught my eye as far as love was concerned and it never bothered me, until I met Kyle."

"How did you and Kyle meet?" asked Marty

"It was freshman year of college." Said Fish "We were both rushing KAD. He was standing on the other side of the room, he kept looking at me I didn't think much of it, until I caught myself looking at him to. He was the first person I'd met that I felt I could be myself with. I had met the one."

"That's something pretty special." Said Marty

"Yeah, and he totally understood my wanting to keep everything secret." Said Fish "Everything was great all through college, until senior year."

"What happened senior year?" asked Marty

"My mother walked in on us." Said Fish "She and I never addressed what happened again until I came out to my parents."

"So you and your mother ignored what happened in college." Said Marty

"Yeah." Said Fish "And it broke my heart, but at the time I was less concerned about being happy and more concerned about my parents loving me. It took me years to realize that I made the wrong decision in college."

"And was that the decision to stay in the closet, verses staying with Kyle?" asked Marty

"Yeah." Said Fish

"But then this takes us back to the question of would you be saying that if Tyson had survived." Said Marty "In situations like these you have to think 'what-if?' Sometimes it's the only way to figure out how you're truly feeling about the situation and truly move on."

"I guess I don't know." Said Fish "I mean I'd eventually have come out, I think. But I'd definitely be a father right now if Tyson hadn't died, but you still never really know what would have happened."

"You're right." Said Marty "You never know, but these are things that do stay with you and will eventually start affecting your personal life and its sounding like that point has come."

"Sometimes I feel like no one will want to listen." Said Fish

"Oliver," said Marty "can I say something?"

"Of course." Said Fish

"I have seen you and Kyle ever since the two of you have gotten back together." Said Marty "You guys love each other. He will listen as long as you will talk. Even if he doesn't understand what you're going through, he will listen. He will."

"My heart knows that, but my heads not agreeing." Said Fish

"What happened the last time you listened to your head over your heart?" asked Marty

"I broke up with the man I love to please my parents, and it took me years to realize that I was an idiot for doing so." Said Fish

"I wouldn't put it quite that harshly but okay." Said Marty "So here's what I want you to work on. Talk to Kyle, tell him how you're feeling and I want the two of you to come in together next week."

"Okay," said Fish "Thanks Marty."

"Not a problem." Said Marty "And you can call me anytime, but I want you to go to Kyle before you go to me. That's your biggest problem Oliver, going to the people who love you the most in the world, you can't be scared to do so."

"All right." Said Fish giving Marty a nod and walking out of her office.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I know it's been over a year, but I had major writer's block, then was really busy with school and real life. Major apologies, but the story is now completed. So all remaining chapters are being uploaded. ~2Rats**

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Kyle smiled as he felt arms wrap around his waist.

"How'd it go?" asked Kyle "If you want to talk about it."

"I do." Said Fish "In fact Marty suggested you come to next week's session."

"How the hell did this get turned into couple's therapy?" asked Kyle

"I think it's her little experiment of getting me to open up to the people who care about me." said Fish

"I wouldn't be surprised." Said Kyle "You never were one for talking in college."

"That's because we spent the majority of college playing tonsil hockey." Said Fish  
"Are you complaining?" asked Kyle

"Absolutely not." Said Fish kissing Kyle "Let's go eat, didn't you say dinner was your treat?"

"Yes I did." Said Kyle

Later that night Fish laid awake in bed for what seemed like the millionth night in a row. He had never dealt with losing Tyson the way he should. Growing up he always hid what he truly felt, he had to in order to hide himself from his parents. However, handling such important emotions by putting them in a box and forgetting about them keeps him from truly being honest about everything with Kyle and that killed Fish. He wanted nothing more than to wear his heart on his sleeve, at least for Kyle, and that's what he needed to learn to do.

"_Hopefully it will come up in our joint session next week." _Thought Fish as he turned towards Kyle and wrapped an arm around the other man, falling peacefully to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

The next week Kyle and Fish walked into Marty's office, both nervous.

"You both seem nervous." Said Marty

"Well we are." Said Kyle and Fish in unison

"Cute." Said Marty "I only have one question for you today Oliver, and I wanted Kyle to hear the answer."

"Told you." Said Oliver as Kyle smirked at him

"Okay." Said Marty "Oliver, why do find it hard to open up?"

"Ten bucks he says his parents." Said Kyle

"He's right there." Said Fish

"What do you mean Oliver?" asked Marty

"Easy." Said Fish "I spent so many years hiding who I was from them that I closed my life off to my parents and that eventually led into my other relationships. But that's not how I want my relationship with Kyle to be like. I want to open up to him I do." Oliver stopped and turned to Kyle "You have to know that I want to open up to you, it just might take some time to get to the point where it comes naturally. I want to tell you everything, but I'm just-"

"Not ready." Said Kyle "And I understand that. There will be times that as much as I may want or need to, I'll have trouble opening up to you as well. I think that might stem from residual heart break."

"Leftover from college?" asked Fish

"I don't want to say yes, but being honest, most likely." Said Kyle

"Hey I love you and I'm here." Said Fish "I'm not going anywhere I promise you that."

"I know, and I'm not going anywhere either." Said Kyle

"I think you two are good." Said Marty "My only note is that when it comes to stuff that happened between college and the time you got back together, don't be afraid to talk about it."

"We won't." said Kyle and Fish smiling at each other.

"Good," said Marty "I'm glad."


	14. Chapter 14

That night, while getting ready for bed Fish came up behind Kyle.

"Move in with me." Said Fish

"What?" asked Kyle

"We already live together," said Fish "we just split our time between two different places and that's ridiculous."

"You've got a point." Said Kyle

"So wouldn't it be easier if we just have one place to go to?" asked Fish "One place to call home?"

Kyle responded with a kiss.

"Do we move in here?" asked Kyle "Or into my room at Angel's Square?"

"Whatever you want." Said Fish "I just want to be with you."

"Well your roommates have the courtesy to knock," said Kyle "whereas Roxy, don't get me wrong I love her, but the woman doesn't have too many boundaries."

Fish pulled Kyle into a deep kiss that turned into so much more.

The following week Fish and Brody were at the hospital interviewing a victim, then Kyle, since he was the vic's doctor.

"She definitely fought back," said Kyle "everything is bagged and given to your forensics team. We're still waiting on other tests, and if there's anything else that's relevant we'll let you know."

"Great thanks." Said Brody

"No problem." Said Kyle "When are you off tonight?"

"Around 12 and you?" asked Fish

"Around 9," said Kyle "so I'll just see you at home?"

"Sounds great." Said Fish giving Kyle a kiss on the cheek before he and Brody left.

"So," said Brody, on their way back to the station "did I hear you right when you told Kyle that you'd see him at home?"

"Yes." Said Fish "He moved into the apartment with me, Cristian, and Layla."

"That explains why I haven't seen you guys around the hotel." Said Brody "I just thought he was working nights at the hospital."

"He moved out." Said Fish "And in with me."

"Are you guys ready for that?" asked Brody

"Definitely." Said Fish with a smile

That night Fish got home to find Layla and Cristian curled up asleep together on the couch. He tiptoed past them and into his and Kyle's room to find his boyfriend asleep in bed with one of his med school books lying on top of his chest. Fish quietly changed out of his uniform into pajamas before tiptoeing over to Kyle to put the book on the bedside table. Fish then carefully got into bed as to not to disturb his partner and smiled as Kyle automatically rolled over and put his arm over Fish's chest. Fish smiled and kissed Kyle's hair. He finally felt at peace and that was all thanks to Kyle.

"I love you." Fish whispered quietly to Kyle, who responded with a very yawny "love you to," and both boys contently fell wrapped in each other's arms.


	15. Chapter 15

It had been just about a year or so later since Fish had been truly open and honest with Kyle about his past and everything was going great. One day Fish and Brody were bringing a perp into the station when John stopped them with a huge grin on his face.

"Fish, Kyle just called." Said John "It's time."

"Really!" said Fish

"Go we got you covered here." Said John, but Fish had already started to sprint out before John finished his sentence.

At the hospital Fish skidded to a stop as he saw Kyle.

"Kyle!" said Fish

"Whoa there officer," said Kyle "it's definitely time. Come on."

"Hey Kara." Said Fish walking into one "How ya doing?"

"Great," said Kara with a smile "you and Kyle are about to be dads."

Kyle and Fish smiled across Kara's bed. It had been a crazy year. Kyle had graduated med school and was now going pushing through life as a resident at Llanview Hospital. Fish had been promoted to Detective and headed the computer forensics team at the Llanview Police Department. They moved out of the apartment they shared with Layla and Cristian and into a spacious loft apartment with three bedrooms. Then about seven months ago, Kara, a young girl about 19 had come into the hospital after falling. Kyle had been her doctor and Fish had investigated and arrested her boyfriend who had pushed her down. Kara was two months pregnant at the time and looking for an adoptive family for her child. After a long discussion the couple had decided that they were ready for a child, the loft was spacious enough for them to raise a child until they were financially ready to buy a house. Kara agreed immediately when her two heroes asked to adopt her baby.

After several hours of labor Kyle and Fish welcomed to the world their daughter Rebecca Kara Lewis-Fish named after Kyle's sister and the women who gave them their precious little girl.

Kyle and Fish stood outside the nursery window looking at their bundle of joy.

"She's ours." Said Kyle

"Yeah she is." Said Fish "I love you."

"I love you." Said Kyle as Fish got a text "Who's it from?"

"It's from Rikki," said Fish looking at his phone "telling me that it's okay I didn't make it to the cemetery this year. She sends her congratulations to both of us."

"That's right," said Kyle taking Fish's hand in his "today is the 24TH, are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" asked Fish and smiled when Kyle just looked at him. "Yes Tyson was my son, I will always love him, but now, each year on this day, I'll be celebrating our daughter's birthday, which makes it a little bit easier, especially with you by my side."

Fish smiled into the kiss that Kyle gave him. He had his daughter and the man of his dreams. Fish decided at that moment, while he'll always have a place in his heart for Tyson, his past would no longer impact his present to the point that it would distance him from his future with Kyle and Rebecca.

~FIN

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**So there it is FINALLY completed. I hope you guys enjoyed it and again so sorry that it took so long to complete. But it's done. Thank you so much for reading. ~2Rats**


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